nina's thoughts :)

changed dad.

2012-02-13T02:45:00.004+08:00

My dad no more . He had freakin changed so much. My love and respect towards him has lessen day by day. Because of a new relationship, he rarely comes home and most of the time he goes out till late. Late as ever he wish to. Never mind if its 2.45 , 3.49 am and all the way to freaking dawn. He is back to being the person my mother despises. I see him so jahil. He is an old man with haji as his title. He is an old man who should take this freakin time to indulge is religious knowledge like what would my arwah mother would do! Oh merciful Allah, what the heck is going on with this life? I feel like screaming to my dad and ask him to stop whatever he is doing without us children knowing of. I feel he might do maksiat. Because I know he was jahil before he met arwah mama. Mama was the one who guide him and us siblings. I know it is not my place to judge others before myself but I do know and understands. I too fear of Allah and neraka jahanam. That is why I fear for my father. And if he is truly going down to that jahil road again, I might just lose hope on him and my life. What a "father figure" if he is the way he is now. I'm heart broken. Every night he would go out and come home late. So damn freakin late!! The only thing that I can think of is that he has sneakily married the woman and staying with her now. Why would he lepak so late? Gossiping with his new guy friends? I feel so paranoid!! Ya Allah....I can't help but being paranoid.

Oh god, someone, anyone help him. Help me. :'((

The Silent House

2012-02-12T22:55:00.003+08:00

The house is silent!
Silent I say!

Silent as ever bee.

The house is silent!
Silent I say!

Silent as one can be.

The house is silent!
Too silent I say!

...

The house is so quiet. Quiet in a sense of no life in it. Nothing. For me, the thought of home is when all my siblings are in this house. Though the image of my father in it seems bleak, at least i have my siblings. But now, the house kinda empty. Yes, empty in a sense of its liveliness. I guess i'm old. A 22 years old girl.

Guy Friends

2012-02-08T21:29:00.003+08:00

Tonight, I met my two old friends, Syaraf and Izzad. They were my favorites because they are funny and kind. I get to become closer with syaraf after messaging with him in facebook. It is good to be good friends again with syaraf. He is truly awesome. We apparently have same interest in Korean culture! which is cool! I made some kimchi for him, so that is why we met today. Luckily, he brought Izzad too.

About Izzad, I have not met him for such a long time! He is a family friend. Family friend means that his father and my father, are friends. So we became family friends. We've become friends since primary school until junior high school. I am a bit shy with him. Haha. I just don't know why. I think this goes to every guy friend i have. I am shy. I can't help it. Though our family is still connected as family friends, i find it difficult to talk to Izzad. But Alhamdulillah and thank you Syaraf! We just talked tonight! My...it took 5 years (or something) to finally be able to converse to him. Thank you Allah. :)

Though our meeting and conversation were brief, it feels like a lifetime. Thank you. I wish we could meet up again and talk more.

To dear Shafiah, you are truly my guardian angel. Without you, I have no idea how to keep myself cool. :D

visiting her grave

2012-02-08T16:21:00.000+08:00

It is just simple visiting. But it isn't because I am visiting my mother's grave. I don't have the courage and strength to visit her grave alone. And here you ask me to go alone. Let us have our very own time alone at the grave. Sorry to say, I dont like to go alone. It saddens me.

Happy birthday mama. May Allah bless your soul. Amin.

otosan

2012-02-06T23:17:00.002+08:00

Otosan means father in Japanese. I want to talk about father.
About my father. He is changed man now. Simply put, our relationship will never be the same as before. I always find so difficult to get along with my father. I see and know about his misdeeds that others do not of. I simply keep em' secret. Enough is enough. I know he is like that. He is kind but his idiocy ruins his wise side. Sigh. There are times I hate him . There are times I love him. There are times I sympathy with him. But those times may run out. Because he will have a new family. Our lives will never be the same. And I guess I just can't accept it. Not just anyone can have the perfect family ending. And I won't be able to have that perfect family ending. I..feel so empty right now . Perhaps, my fortune will change and I just might get lucky. I just might have that perfect ending. Not now of course but maybe later. Maybe. InsyaAllah . Optimism oh!! (Fighting spirit )

dinner

2012-01-26T20:04:00.002+08:00

Dinner, hmmm.....its quite sad really. Seems like none of the family members have the mood to eat dinner. My fault I guess, cuz the food.ain't hot and fresh. Because they are heated again from the lunch. Can't help it. Maybe I should make hot food. But of course I'm lazy. Feels like eating pizza. No, spaghetti! Nyummy. But there is no way that everyday dinner should be spaghetti on and on...urgh. to cook or not to cook. That is the question.

games

2012-01-26T13:42:00.002+08:00

Games are just beautiful creation of mankind. Why, it is the essence of life when boredom came. It inspires people to be better and learn new knowledge and experience. For example the skills of combats, fighting and survival. How I love games. Unfortunately, I haven't had any luck with good rpg games these days. Especially for PS3 :( this is so frustrating!! I only have couple of weeks left before I go back to college. Urgh...and I havent even get to play ps3 fully.

wasting food

2012-01-25T22:50:00.002+08:00

I am probably one of the fortunate people who gets to live and sheltered in a house with plenty of foods and loves from family members. Yes I'm very fortunate. That is why I always try to finish my food. Though sometimes the food can taste pretty yuck. (Not my fault for not knowing that the food ain't cooked in a tasty way -___-") anyway,.I've been cooking and sadly I've got few "audiences". For my family members are scattered all over (I sense exaggeration :p) and yeah sometimes I feel that I cook so meaningless. Why? Because the food never finishes. What I mean is that there are always leftovers. I feel bad and sad. Bad= I'm wasting money and food resources and sad= is my cooking that bad? So I really hoped that I'll be so damn good in cooking that people would even eat the plate XD oh how I wish my food always finishes.

first love

2012-01-24T17:32:00.002+08:00

I don't care others opinions about first love. Mine was probably like others and maybe not. Anyway, my brothers have been insisting me to find a boyfriend. Yes, boyfriend. This is definitely not the things I would like to think about. I'm all studies and taking care of families and have fun with my friends (and the fact that all my friends are mostly girls and fewer boys.) I have no experience of hanging out with boys or men. :( it is so easy in online chatting but so hard in real conversation, especially face to face. I'm at disadvantage. I ain't gonna get boyfriend. I'm just too inexperience and shy. That's all that I can say and its the truth. Sigh. Though I do have crushes. And I sadly, these crushes of mine, though we are friends in Facebook, yet so close but so far away. I don't feel like we are even friends no more. How do you get close to a friend again? Especially when bonds are so loose? Oh bummer.

my posts have so little happiness.

2011-08-22T21:21:00.002+08:00

yeah. why am i writing about everything that is so sad? because we always remembered the bad memories the most? hell, i don't even know. its pain to me knowing that my dad is being so nonchalant about raya preparation. hell, i don't know. he is always busy with his work. always going out with his friends and colleagues. whenever i called him when his out with his friends, he seems so buoyant. huh? what ever reasons should i be worry when he is out so late? he is having fun for god sake?

ever since mama has gone, i've became paranoid. paranoid of everything my dad does. what? who? when? where could he be? my friend said "to hell with it! think about yourself for god sake! u have your own life! don't give a damn bout them! you'll just get sick!". but i can't helped it. mama is gone. who would care my family?

but to tell the truth, the toll has taken me. the term "whatever" or in malay "tak kesah" is really fucking annoying me. why wtv on everything? you are an adult! take control on your choices! do participate in these choices of your life! you and i are different.

then comes money issue. i HATE money. indulging too much on money is also fucking annoying. yeah, i got lots of money from dad. yeah, for my own desires. yeah. i thought to hell with it. after im graduate he is so gonna find another woman and i am so going to live by my own. yeah. to hell with it. but no. there is always an issue. if you have something to say, just say it. you think i like having so many money? even dad calls me gold digger.

ma, i don't have the will to live anymore. i know, if you were still to live, you have me slaughtered to pieces knowin you heard me sayin these. you'll kick me and put me back to reality. but you'll still be there for me. ma, i don't care. i want you back. im so lonely.

Anak Derhaka

2011-05-27T00:42:00.002+08:00

derhaka. a very offensive word, no? who wishes to become derhaka to their parents? not me. hopefully i didn't do something so derhaka. but do i? i don't know.

kurang ajar is also a pair of offensive words too. have i been kurang ajar? yes i think i did. many times (i admitted it). why so? i was enraged and no patience. i was really being a bitch.

was i punished for everything i did? yes i think so. i've lost my dearest love ones and something precious to me. it was horrible and sadful feeling when loosing someone you love. i know that. all the time i only think death because it has been a stigma in my life. it came so sudden. i don't know how to comprehend the things that happened around me. i can never question it (though i do sometimes). i guess Allah S.W.T has made my fate. i don't know whether i ever deserve his light and guidance. my fate can either be doomed or salvation.

i feel terrible and sad. i feel am i even needed in this world? after all the things that happened, everything, seems so hopeless.

do you even care? each and everyone of you? do you even care & remember the good things i did to you and not the faults? would you even forgive me?

i don't know.

papa, i know you will never know or read this, but i really do love you pa. Twice i have ignored you. Others won't understand why but only me and god knows why. But pa, i accepted your weakness. You are my father. I am your daughter. I just want you to be happy. I want you to be healthy. I really hate to the core seeing you sick because of smoking. I just want everyone else to understand. Im sorry i hurt you and others but i don't want you to leave me without a happy memory left to us.

Previously, my dream was to have you and mama by my side when i receive my degree scroll and taking picture together with all the family. So if you continue to ignored your health and that now mama is not here with us anymore, my dream of showing my scroll to you is gone.

I might just be like i have always seen in college, the parents with their child, happily embracing each other while i'll be just standing there parentless. I know im selfish but with everything that happened, i want to be happy. Can't i have a little bit of faith in this dream?

How my Mother's Day went like....

2011-05-09T14:08:00.003+08:00

So for 2 days (the day before Mother's day & Mother's day) i have been suffering in silence. Along the journey to Kajang (where my brother Den & Sis Farah lives), i was listening to a radio and there were many sessions where the listeners can dedicate some touching and gratitude speeches for their moms. I was listening to it and quietly enduring the suffering in my heart because mama is no more in my family's life. She died on 24th April 2010.

It is sad really. While listening to those dedications, I was creating my own dedications for my mom in my heart. I was like "Mama, thanks for everything. Please forgive me for everything that i did. I really love you ma. You were my everything ma. You understand me most when even i don't understand myself." I was choking for air. My heart felt heavy and it was hard for me to breath because i realize that this dedication can never be heard because in reality, she is not here anymore. Not with us. She is with Allah. InsyaAllah in heaven where her life would be better and free of pain. Happy.

On the Mother's day, my dear sis in law, Kak Farah, has planned a birthday surprise party for her husband (my brother). We celebrate on Mother's day since me, my dad and my brother Haikal were there in Kajang. We're celebrating his birthday as a family (well not everyone was there but later will celebrate as a whole ;) . It was awesomely perfect and touching! What a wife! She really loves my brother. With all the sweet surprises. There were birthday cupcakes and a live band to sing "Happy Birthday" song for us.

But before that, Papa had planned something first. He asked the band to sing "Widuri" by Broery Marantika first. So yeah..i cried. The song is papa's song for mama. He always sang that song for mama in any occasions. Since it was Mother's day I cried. He was singing for her. Thank you papa for your love of mama. Thank you.

Then after all the crying, we relax a bit and afterwards...."Happy Birthday" song was sang by the band! Den was so shocked and he was smiling so happily! He was totally surprised and happy because he got a Man United jersey and also Dr Mahathir's new book "A Doctor in the House". All the gifts were from his loving wife. Lucky you Den.

So thats how my Mother's Day went. It was bitter sweet. But i love the moments. Thanks you everyone. Happy Birthday Anhar Danial Mustafa. Love you bro.

Scooter..oh scooter.....

2011-05-06T16:27:00.002+08:00

T.T

Yes....it is so damn hard to find a good courier service!! sigh...today is the day where i MUST send my scooter back to Kuantan before i leave Tanjung Malim but i counter so many difficulties! OMO!

First, like any nerd student (no offense!) i google information regarding to courier service in T.Malim. So i got these two phone numbers. Great! But it isn't. Turns out these numbers are all mixed up and are so WRONG!! This ABX Express phone no. turns out to be a car selling retail while this National Express is a National Express but of a Maran branch instead of T.Malim. What the fcuk? Damn..i call them with hope you know...such frustation..

So i regain my cool and with the help of my brother Haikal (who patiently listens to my babbling "What should i do bro? How? Where? bla bla bla") and my friends Zaf, Effa, Tamrin & Wani who give me a lot of support and information. Im spirited up to search again in Pekan. Yeah, i even met Mr. Ghani (taekwondo instructor) to inquire about any courier service in TM.

Search....sigh...search...sigh...search...ε-(´・｀) ﾌｰ

Kakak National Express (TM branch): "Nak hantar motor eh? Sini tak buat tapi..cube try SkyNet. Seberang Maxis centre. Cubelah." (with a sweet angelic smile and a halo)

（◕ฺｖ◕ฺ）

Me: Terima kasih kak! (THANK GOD! Please..please..)

At SkyNet branch...

Me: "Hello..erm...nak hantar moto boleh ke?"

Boss: "Boleh boleh...itu kasi print u punya ic, lesen dan sama sekali u punya rotet oh.."

ヽ(*´∀｀*)ﾉ HIP HIP HOORAY!! I got to send my scooter at last! wohoo!! yeah!! So heavenly happy after all that tiresome journey of of endless search in Pekan....fuh!

While nina walks around pekan after giving away her scooter to SkyNet, she wonders if all this journey was a last goodbye to Pekan Tanjung Malim before she goes back to Kuantan. Nina feels that she will be missing Tanjung Malim. To her, Tanjung Malim is somewhat has a homey feeling of real Malaysia. The old buildings that dated since the Independence Day (and maybe before that)and the people of different races makes her feel more Malaysian than ever.

Alhamdulillah! Yo~chore Yo~chore!! :D

2011-04-21T23:01:00.002+08:00

(ﾉ〃^▽^〃)ﾉ｡･:*:･ﾟ★，｡･:*:･ﾟｵﾒﾃﾞﾄｰ♪

Im so happy to tell you a happy event had happened to me today and this will totally excites me throughout the first 5 months of this year!

Unfortunately i can't tell you..(aww...)

But i will tell you in October! Haha..

I am really happy today.

(★´3`)ノ★*♪。☆*★*♪。☆*★*♪。☆*★*♪。☆*★*♪。☆*★*♪。☆*

Arigatou kami~sama! Arigatou sensei! Arigatou minna!

Aishiteru yo!

I am surprised, miss teacher.........=__="

2011-03-27T23:10:00.004+08:00

My goodness...should a teacher be not helpful towards the students?? I...(sigh..)

This language teacher is different and i know everyone is different, it is just that...when you had lived in a country where helping and being courteous to other people is their custom, you should by then have accustomed it to your own life..(well most of em'..i think).

Im so surprised! This teacher used capital letters...(she is expressing her anger? annoyance towards me?) I meant to ask help from her.. i thought that she would be that kind of language teacher who helped students and be just frankly about it.. she is teaching that language! that language originates from a country who people gives smile and help towards other despite their race and religion! i know because i have friends from that country!

Gosh...Malay would always be Malay? we can never learn other countries' good traits? if we were to study abroad and finds these good traits..we should apply it into our life if it would made our life better, don't you think?

I find that this language teacher is totally different than the previous teacher. She is the native speaker of the language and she is accustomed to her culture. Whenever we don't understand she would explain it to us and won't embarrass you to others. She will always help you and smile, encouraging us to learn the language. Thank you Kobayashi~sensei.

This semester i am reluctant to speak Japanese because i find that it is no more fun.

Terkilan..sekian,

2011-03-18T09:12:00.002+08:00

Terkilan bila dapat tahu yang selama ini dijadikan seperti bahan kajian.

It's ok..at least he got the result..a very satisfying result it seems.

Yeah the subject cries..yup.

I just can't believe it. I can't believe that someone I'd care would do such a fucked up thing. I guess the idiom really make sense huh?

"An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth"

So you would do that huh..i can't seem to trust your promises la.. You've break a piece of my heart. Yeah..sorry for everything. But your way is just..sigh..i guess i deserved is it? fine then..u'd make me cry..i wish my cry is valued by you.

Thanks a bunch.

Terlalu sayang la...ape boleh buat

2011-03-07T23:08:00.002+08:00

Saya sayang sangat kat kawan-kawan saya...

kadang2 saya rasa sedih bila kami jauh...
kadang2 saya mudah terasa dengan pandangan diorang...
kadang2 saya rasa diorang sangat comel dan "hot"...
kadang2 saya cemburu dengan diorang..
kadang2 saya rindukan diorang...
kadang2 saya rasa nak "gaduh" dengan diorang..
kadang2 saya "shy2" dengan diorang...

sebab saya sayang kat kawan-kawan saya..salah ke?

hmm....

My Dearest 3 Idiots

2011-02-20T19:14:00.003+08:00

Salam everyone.

Lately I've been through the saddest and difficult time for me. I was emotionally and physically stressed. So many things happen in a day. I was shocked and stunned. I cried, cried and curse. Ya Allah, forgive me that day. I was like a mad woman. I want to say thank you and sorry to my puddings and housemates having to go trough and see me in that way. Thank you for being understanding. My girl friends..you girls are the best friend i can count on. Thank you.

SO who are these 3 Idiots? They are my brothers; Arman Harris, Mohd Haikal & Anhar Danial. Haha..they are not idiots. Reason for me to write that way because the 3 characters from the 3 Idiots Hindi Movie are lovable by all viewers. Why do they love the characters and the movie so much? Because it's emotional, it's entertaining and it's enlightening. I LOVE my 3 Idiots. They are my brothers. No matter of the difference that i have between them, i still love and accept just the way they are to death. Wow..to death. That's a bit..erm..over? Nope! Loving someone is not too over rated. Come on..they are my brothers. Like Mama On told us..we were born from the same mother, Mama. SO that is a MAJOR thing. No difference can win that off. We LOVE our mother. (And papa too..:D)
We care each other, that is for sure.

Whatever obstacles that we have to go through..either struggles within our family or struggles from outsiders..we'll go through it together, as a family. I want my family to be happy again. I want us to smile and look back to the past and say "It was worth it. We're happy now. Alhamdulillah."

InsyaAllah.

Guide us, have mercy on us Allah Almighty. Amin.

My side of story; The Minors Tragedy

2011-01-06T16:10:00.005+08:00

As Salam..Hi..

I want to start my blog with a happy post but i can't. An unfortunate event had happened and I am terribly down and sorrowful. If i hadn't spoken out..i wish i never did. Then she won't know me.

Today post is called The Minors Tragedy because i am and still having difficulties regarding minors; Literary Criticism & Selected Novels & Short Stories. The classes hour clashes and it shouldn't be like that. Before the schedule was perfectly fine but she changed the time. I know that she didn't even discuss this to us. :(

After discussing with him to have the LC as a night class (thank you everyone for everything) and for him to discussed with the academic department, today we receive the news that it wasn't allowed by them. :(

I have given up already...really i did. So here i was with Scha and Hajar to meet her to drop the subject and try to add Materials Development.... But, when we met her..."Are you Hannina!?" "Go and meet Mr Redzuan(the Head of Academic Department) now! Go! Go!" I was truly shocked and speechless..Scha and Hajar too. We were about to ask her signature!!

.........

At the academic department.

He came in. "Are you here to meet Mr Redzuan? Don't worry i am coming with you. Come when I'll call you ok."

Why is he here?? Why am i being called by the head?? Especially that she told me so!

I AM SO DEAD.

"Ok come in now", said him.

Mr Redzuan first question was;

"Did she ask you to drop one of the subjects? Who is gonna to answer this"

DANG!! We were shocked! How could he ask like that! We never wanna drop any of the subjects! We are desperate sir! None of us could speak barely.

We said something like "She said that drop her subject." (we heard that alright..)
We are the one who have to choose these either important subject. There was no one nor her to asked us to drop one of the subject..we KNOW we have to drop and choose one of them! This is a big misunderstanding among all of us. TRULY!

For god sake...Ya Allah help me!

He watch us and help to give reasons to Mr Redzuan and after minutes and minutes of waiting and discussion and negotiations..he managed to made Mr Redzuan gave us a night class. Thank you Mr S.

Now..what i am afraid is could i have made myself an enemy to her?? Ya Allah...the worst thing that i'm afraid is to have a bad relationship with a teacher/lecturer especially among people in my life..:(

I am gonna ask her forgiveness..i will kneel down if i have to..i don't mind if i were kick or sound by her..No i won't. What i want is her blessing ya Allah.

Please..i can't take this anymore...You have given me trials ya Allah..you take my sister, my uncles and my mother away. I am a broken human ya Allah. I need your help. I don't want to have any severe relationship with anyone..or even her, my lecturer. Please..please...

Trials and trials.

2010-12-06T02:33:00.003+08:00

As Salam everyone!

Haa...very tiresome~ just got back from Kelantan trip!

Early this morning i arrived from Tg. Malim, Perak to Kelantan for attending my brother Arman Harris's wedding with my new sister in law Hilyati Jamalina bt Ismail. :)

Throughout the journey to Kelantan was very physically challenging! From Tg. Malim to Kelantan was 8 or 9 hours...fuh...my butt and neck hurts! Whereas Elly mocked me "Baru dua jam dah sakit badan?" Pergh...Elly is "power"!

So I was happy that i arrived safely to KB Bus Station and said goodbye to another friend of mine named, Mardiah. She was supposed to meet her fiance there. (I helped a bit by guiding her fiance to her..it was dark subuh & apparently he can't see us!)

Anyway..i said goodbye and met up with my dad who initially call out to me "Hannina Mustafa ade?" in a cynical way..oh pa..:D

Arrived in a homestay house..i salam and greet all my grandmothers and malaysian and indonesian aunties; Mak Ngah, Mak Lang, Mak Busu & Mama Ida, Mama Nana, Tanter Salmah, Nena..:D ah~~ big family..yup!

I'm also happy to have my dearest sisters, Hanna and Ruby with me..oh Ruby..(*Hugs*)

Well..Haikal is being Haikal..hehe..XD

I was really fatigue but i don't want to sleep cuz' its just not..fun? ahaha...

That very afternoon we went to the bride's house and had lunch and so many things happened..(I won't mentioned here)But all in all..they were trials from Allah s.w.t. InsyaAllah everything happened for reason..

To short everything, the journey was mind, spirit and body challenging..cuz everyone was damn tired and i was being grumpy cuz' i just want to go home~~ sigh.. people who drove cars or buses carelessly should just really di*!

Alhamdulillah we arrived our beloved Kuantan safely! fuh....hah...syukur!

Tahniah to my bro Arman Harris and his wifey Hilyati Jamalina as a new wedded couple! <3

xoxo

sleep!

.

My first ever sister.

2010-11-11T15:44:00.002+08:00

Salam everyone!

Today is a special post. This is the month of November. A very special month. My late sister, Nur Hidayah binti Sidek was born this month on 17 November.

I've been thinking of her a lot especially this month. I miss her..badly. Our time together was short but I am happy. She is the best sister in law i could hope for. Her being as my brother's support of love and life are enough for me to accept her wholeheartedly. I know that she loves my brother truely. That is why i accept her. For her to accept my brother as he is has made me think that she is just suit for him.

Losing you was never easy kak ida. I was with you when you passed away. I cried while reciting doa Yasin for you. I wanted to scream and cry. I want to go to your side. But how can i when there are so many life support tube attached on you?? How can i go to your side when my own sister Hanna was crying and holding my hand shackingly?? How can i go to your side when I haven't even finished recite the Yasin for you? Because i want you to live kak ida. I hope with this doa you'll gain strength and open your eyes akak..But you didn't. I recite many times..but you left us kak ida.

......

Today is special. Because i received your pendant. From your loving husband and my dear brother Arman Harris. I don't think he knows but at this very moment..i am crying. Because he gave me the pendant at the time i was thinking of you, looking at the sky. I was..touched. He said that by having this pendant should protect you from evil intentions from other. (though he said that this was old people saying..:D)

No matter is..by having your pendant, I promise that this will be my charm to protect me from evil doings n thoughts from evil people or even from me.

Happy Birthday kak Ida. I miss you. Love you.

My fav song!

2010-11-03T18:25:00.001+08:00

My voice.

2010-10-27T17:29:00.002+08:00

"Whats up with your voice? So manly....(with a quirky face)"

Hmm..,,i know i have this "so not girly" voice...my voice kinda rough and yeah sometimes (unknowingly) i sound like a guy..(do I??) Hell.. I don't know. One thing for sure..people would say..."Kasar jugak ye suare you.." What does that suppose to mean? I actually accepted some part of me that is totally foreign even to myself! I hate some of em'! But I learnt to just" DAMATTE"! That is Just Shut Up! Yeah...again..with my smiling face.."Oh yeah?"

Ape-ape la...

I know who I am...I think.

:D

My Face is TABOO!

2010-10-23T19:55:00.004+08:00

Have you ever feel conscious about yourself? Do you ever felt that you're getting fat and your face looks so wrong; like got skin problems, hairy, scars and etc. ? Do you ever ever hurt by some people who said awful things about you? Simply making you hate or sad about yourself; that so not perfect about yourself that people just never stop saying about it??

When I was a teenaged, I never knew nor know how to be a girl; wearing make up, wears cute clothes or talking to boys and etc. I am pathetic when comes to all that. I have such low confidence in me. I am so shy and so afraid to try new things.

I don't have a sister so I don't have someone to help me being a "sweet" teenage girl (screw that!). My mama first thought me how to make up back when I was in Matriculation College. Well of course she had put me and my sis makeup when we were kids but thats different. (Thank you mama...I will remember the time you taught us makeup..despite you were sick..you had the time to teach us...you taught us about eyeliner..:) I love u mama n missing u so badly.)

How to make up ? Pfft..i don't have an idea! How to take care of your face and skin? Pfft..don't ask me!

Well..that was years before. Now, I am learning to make up and also using good facial product. But, I've just started. I know my face is oily, pimplish and etc. So when some people just said like "Eh? Whats wrong with your face? Its like bla bla bla (saying things that just hurtful)" Like Malay proverb says "Makan hati"!! I just makan hati! let all inside me..yeah..making a huge puff of rage inside my heart. yup!

I learnt that I should just smile and said "Oh yeah?"

Well the truth is you just hurt my feeling BIG TIME! :(

ME~ BIRTHDAY ~PUDINGS~ CAKE~ MAN~ RUN!!

2010-10-09T23:17:00.004+08:00

First of all, never in my life that I'd be spoon-feed a man with a cake that soon!!

Thanks Zaf n Fee who challenge me to spoof-feed a stranger!!

I really didn't want to celebrate my birthday. I thought i just make myself a spaghetti tuna and celebrate quietly..but my puding friends..haih...thank you.

So we had dinner together...the pudings bought ourselves a slice cake. i don't know what flavor..n we share together..yeah there is a video. Maybe i'll show it later..ahahaha..so embarrassed! why did i ever take up the challenge!! >0<

oh yeah..after that i ran away from the man n his friends n also from pudings all the way to my house.......literally.............. RAN!!!!!!!!!!

effa..later it will be your turn sayang! hopefully everyone will be with you to celebrate! <3

Air mata Debat.

2010-09-30T16:46:00.004+08:00

Assalammualaikum....

Semalam nina sangat tertekan. Tertekan kerana debat untuk kerja kursus wacana. Nina tidak pandai berbahasa Melayu lebih-lebih lagi berucap didepan khalayak orang ramai. Saya khuatir kerana saya sedar yang bahasa perucapan dan juga penulisan sangat tidak bagus. Tatkala, ramai rakan seperjuangan ku Pudings menyiapkan tugasan bahagian masing-masing untuk berucap, saya masih tidak dapat memikirkan ayat-ayat untuk digunakan apabila berucap. Kaku, tertekan dan sebak, saya bangun dari kerusi dan "lari" ke bilik.

Ya Allah...hatiku bukan main kencang lagi, sebak memikirkan betapa kurang bagusnya diriku. Tidak dapat menolong diri dan kawan-kawan ku dalam menjalankan kerja kursus ini dengan baik. Saya mula risau, mampukah saya?

Terdetik hati untuk menelefon adikku, Hanna. Dengan sedihnya dan celaru aku beritahu segala-galanya kepada Hanna. Dia seorang adik tetapi menasihati nina bagaikan seorang kakak. Terima kasih adik. Atas nasihat Hanna aku menghantar pesanan ringkas (sms) kepada Elly. "Elly naik atas jap".

Terima kasih Elly kerana tolong nina.

Kemudiannya, Zaf. Terima kasih juga Zaf kerana tolong nina.

Setelah siap dengan draf ucapan, nina turun dan kami mula berlatih debat.

Ya Allah....sampai giliran aku, aku sudah tahu yang sepanjang ucapan ku tidak membawa apa-apa signifikasi kerana aku tahu yang draf aku sudah salah sama sekali. Sedih dan malu.
Aku kini benar-benar "lari" ke bilik. Cukup! Aku tak mahu. Aku sudah hampakan mereka!

Maafkan nina Pudings.

Tetapi kerana kami Pudings, Effa dan Elly datang ke bilikku dan mententeramkan hatiku yang kucar kacir dan bersama-sama sedih. Effa, kawanku yang sememangnya bersifat keibuan, memberiku nasihat dan kata-kata semangat. Malah, sempat bergurau senda. Walaupun aku tidak berketawa, tapi aku mahu! Elly, kawanku yang sememangnya bersifat kakak kepadaku, memberiku juga nasihat dan prihatin yang amat.

Terima kasih Effa.
Terima kasih Elly.

Tengah malam itu juga mereka menolongku dengan draf baru.
Kami berpelukan sayang dan aku sememangnya bersyukur kerana adanya Pudings disisiku.

Keesokan paginya, aku ingin mengubah muka aku yang masam ke muka yang senyum demi Pudings. Aku memang mahu! Tetapi aku berasa salah atas kejadian sebelumnya. Kalau boleh mahu saja aku peluk dan cium pipi mereka dan berkata "Minta maaf..."

Fee dan Jos. Terima kasih walaupun nina sudah banyak menyusahkan kamu berdua. Fee terima kasih. Pelukan dan prihatin mu sememangnya yang terbaik! Jos, walaupun kau lagi sengal daripada nina, tapi kau tetap terimaku seadanya. Terima kasih Jos.

Maaf

Terima kasih

Sayang kamu

<3

Nina.

saya x sombong....ntah la.

2010-09-21T16:34:00.004+08:00

my dear friend Josh, told me that i was sombong with her friend...

i was shocked. i really2 didn't meant to be sombong in any way... i mean its true that throughout the japanese class i rarely talk to him. but this is because im a shy girl..im not like those girls who quickly made great conversation..like happy girly girl..haha..im not like that.

i build trust first then comfort. and i also believe that im accepted as a friend when there are many event like talking, going out etc that we did together like friends do.

xkan la i nak sedap2 kate "hai! semalam aku n keluarga g makan buffet. u wat ape ngan kuarga u doring hols?" to me this is a very personal question..i mean kire kite rapat la ngan org yg disoal ni..

but xkan nk tanya kat org yg baru cakap 2 kali? atau jarang2?

i am a shy girl. i always wait for the other person to engage first. im just too mannered person. budak skema! :(

haih..sori la..if i ever seem so sombong to you..

xkan la seekor burung murai berkawan ngan sekumpulan merpati? kene la di terima dahulu.

xnk jadi orang yang syok sendiri.

pernah ade pengalaman buruk berkawan. i was mainly being fool around and used. it was sad. i was never their friend. fake friendship. :(

but im happy to Allah that now i knw my place and i have so many incredible friends. teslians and pudings. THANK YOU. <3

I Love You Girls~*

2010-09-21T00:44:00.003+08:00

Whenever i feel that my moments with my friends were the best ever, i can't help it but wanting to shout "I LOVE YOU GIRLS~~~~*"

hahaha....i feel most happy with ma friends.

yeah, you la silly...:)

everything seems to fall apart.

2010-09-07T06:29:00.006+08:00

Salam.

My mom passed away last April, 24 / 10. I really don't know how to survive without my mom. My life practically revolves around her. She is my source of happiness. All I ever think and care for is my mama. For many years she has been sick and lives on medication. I always pray to Almighty & Merciful Allah S.W.T to help her. I ask for my mama's well being and hoped that she will not need to suffer anymore. I love her so much. These tears of mine have always been for her. I love you mama. May Allah bless your soul and let you reside to His Heavenly Home.

Yes, everything seems to fall apart. I know some people would say to me that life must go on. But I can't. How can I? I am still mourning for my mama, Kak Ida, Papa Dino and Papa Mud. My love ones had return to Allah. I am sad but death does not awaits anyone. It will come to us soon without warning. Oh how I wish this are just lies! But no. No. No. No. It did.

Arwah Mama dan arwah Kak Ida

Sometimes I felt this heavy lump inside my heart. So hard to breath. I felt like screaming and crying. I am so stress. People would tell me n gave promises that they would care for me n my sister and my brothers. Oh how i wish it is true. But I know and I am sure that Mama would told me that I musn't and never ever troubles people. They have life for god sake. Each and everyone of them has goals in their life! And not all includes you, nina.

Me and my sis promise each other that we would be independent. That we must be prepared to live independently. We told ourselves that we are orphens now. We can't hope forever that people would feed ang help us financially. My brothers and Hanna have their own life too. I love them very much. I also understands that Mama values family importance very much. So I mustn't be selfish.

As I have said before, Mama values family importance. But there are more. First, the knowledge as a Muslim. Your love and fear must to Almighty Allah! My mama always always told us to pray. NEVER DO MAKSIAT!! Never! What Maksiat? Maksiat can be in any form!! Those lust, lies, adultery, poker, alcohol and haram. So many!! Ya Allah...Give me guidance so that I never involve to this sinful acts!! And NEVER to Papa. NEVER to my siblings Arman, Haikal, Anhar & Hanna. NEVER to my friends. InsyaAllah we will not.

Yes, maksiat. I promise to myself. Before I am REALLY legally married or by in Islamic terms, berakad nikah, I will hold to my chastity and my religion! InsyaAllah! Ya Allah guide me, my family and friends to the rightful way...amin.

Aishiteru!

2010-02-28T21:39:00.004+08:00

I Love You!

I wont say sorry to you if this annoys you. I love talking about Japanese culture. I love the idea of living in Japan. I love speaking Japanese. I love Japanese food. I love everything about Japan. So love me for what I am, for what I like.

It doesn't mean I will forget where I come from. Yes, I am a Malaysian. But, once you've travelled to a place and you've fallen love of that place, it just cant be helped.

Anyway,I wish I will get to love a Japanese man. I wish. :)

ah~~ clumsiness and stupidity are me.

2010-02-24T22:49:00.003+08:00

I ate a five days old bread...not knowing and realizing the greenish mold at the side of the whole bread. Oh, i even cooked the bread, making an egg bread or in bahasa malaysia = roti telur.

Well, that is that. This one is worse too. Two days ago I drank, also, a five days old yogurt drink!! It is a manggo and pic flavoured yogurt drink. I thought the sourness of the drink was because of the pic!! Well..unfortunately not. To make worse, when examined by my friend effa, fuuuuhhh!! Hellish bubbles of whatever gases the bacteria made..(i know, i was once a science student). $#*$!!

Haih...

I Love You.

2010-01-23T23:13:00.003+08:00

I love you. Hell no...i have no idea what is love, relationship and commitment. But wait! It doesn't mean i can't understand those situation. I have friends..yes friends who've gone through this phase...friends who've told me their love problems to me. Yes. Problems. Through that i know to differentiate a situation like those. But still...sometimes i confuse why should they be relying upon me? Trustable? Well thats depend if you ask me to make an oath!! Anyway, im always happy to help a friend in need. I'll do my best analysis (or advices to be clarify..heh) to help you..:)

Kan dah kene....

2010-01-12T00:19:00.002+08:00

Kesian kat kawan nina sorang nih...die punya lah sakit sampai jalan pon cam nenek..tercungap- cungap kalo tengok dari jauh..(haha..tipu!). Sebab kesian..nina sebagai kawan offer untuk mengurut..haha..tapi yang klakarnya..baru sentuh sikit jek dah sakit! Haha..lagi2 die panggil Phin..phin..hihi..this is not the end of it! MuahahaHahha...

New Year New Attitude!

2010-01-08T00:10:00.003+08:00

Im going all new look this year. Totally! The results were..."Wah..you've changed so much! You're looking feminine now!"

:) It's good that i get good comments on my so called new look..but actually i dont feel any different. There are so many hopes and wishes for me this new year. One is not ever look back. I'll say, im not perfect. I have many flawless..and i did many stupid things. Literally stupid. This year, i want to stop. I want to have a happy life. No more feeling empty and it doesn't mean i have to make or force a feeling to be alive. Of course, no more lies. No more of that. Simply living happy. Give me strength, Almighty Allah. Amin.

i like when im appreciated...

2009-12-07T20:55:00.002+08:00

I love cooking...if i cook something for you..means i care you so much that i dont even mind going through all the messiness when cooking. I don't even mind if i my hand get burnt or fingers get little cut from the knife. I just want to know wether you like my food..:) Then everything is worth it. But sometimes I do feel im not appreciated. As if im just being used..not only for the food i make..but the things that i do for my love one.. That..will hurt me very much if thats the truth. Cant I just have a little bit appreciation?

aku memang suke budak2!

2009-12-04T14:38:00.002+08:00

Recently i had finished doing my AFS volunteer work..where i basically facilitate our students going abroad..which is to Japan. The kids are so cute and innocent! I hope they do well in Japan and primarily had fun! Soooooooooo jealous of em'! I hope I get to go back to Japan. I miss my time in Japan and I wish my host family would come to Malaysia someday. Malaysia is niiceee! :D

I am sick. Am I?

2009-10-31T17:57:00.002+08:00

hmm......
I really am not sure...
Well, I think I'll be going see a doctor during this semester break.
But I really do hope its nothing serious.

"You look sad la...", said a Rexco.

2009-10-30T18:46:00.002+08:00

Haha..i wanna laugh my ass off! Yeah...of course I am. I still felt trouble of what happen. Today i work my ass off and i think i did great. I hope to finish all by Sunday. InsyaAllah.

"The Head" : "I don't think you've done a good job, Nina."

2009-10-30T12:49:00.002+08:00

That...i'll remember it for the rest of my life. I've been workin as a REXCO for my EXCO Perhubungan & Antarabangsa. Yeah..it is a "hell". I'm sayin it because it is tough work. Not the mention i've been accused of not doing work. Seriously I don't know whether going to JMK office room when told suddenly and handle my AJK and do many other related work is not called as doing job. I was given warning in the middle of the meeting..everyone went silent. I KNOW I am still weak..I KNOW I have low communication skill..that's why I'm a REXCO. I want to change those. I really really do.

rexco work aint no game~

2009-10-27T02:46:00.002+08:00

Today...met the higher authority of my exco (my work in UPSI),
My exco is called as exco perhubungan & antarabangsa.
Well anyway next activity will be a BAKTISISWA where all of us are working hard on it.
Well it just that so many confusion...i felt tense for my first rexco work.
Would i be ok??

Maaf!!

2009-10-25T19:11:00.003+08:00

Salam permai, bumi tuhan.

Ahh..maaf sesangat! Lame nye tak update! Ni semua sebab malas punya pasal..huhu.

For the moment i'm studying in UPSI, a more to academic university. Im on the road to be a TESL teacher and also i have final exam this week. Hope all goes well.

InsyaAllah. Amin.

p/s : the picture was taken during my sport class..:) there are my bestest TESL friends!!

Kucing dan Mak

2009-06-02T22:47:00.004+08:00

To katty first since she is the room leader..haha,
I wanna write about a friend of mine, her name is Siti Khadijah Abdul Rahman.
The first time i met her..my only thought was that.."Wah..hana ade roommate yg cantik la!"
Haha...yeah its true because she is beautiful! True Malay woman!
So through out being under her as her room mate (where my bed is beside her too..) we had fun and tough year together. I don't remember if we fought that much..but most i remembered was her laughter and her sad time. But i love her laughter! It is hers and no one else. So for me is unique in her way. I want to have this opportunity to say thanks for being my friend. Thank you also for your teaching of how to be a woman. Haha..i mean how to wear tudung the correct way and what baju kurung is nice to wear. Thanks Katty, you realize me of how important is to be a woman and to take care of oneself. :D

result is out and i'm...

2009-05-21T00:05:00.000+08:00

HAPPY!! i'm just happy with what i got from my result! alhamdulillah...
amin..lets move forward!

Happy!! So long Interview-san!

2009-05-19T12:22:00.001+08:00

I'm so happly and glad that my interview session has finished! I'm also happy that the session went well!!

Sad

2009-05-18T18:21:00.002+08:00

Im sad today..maybe tomorrow too..she is..giving up? i dunno..soon after she come back from the hospital..she was down..later she calls me and start talking rubbish..i mean..she was asking me to do this and that for her..like take care of her things..when she..i mean she was saying rubbish!! i dunt want to hear you say that ma! No! i really dont like it! I'm just..tired? No..i want to see you happy and smile all day long..not to see you sad..i want you to be healthy again.
I really dunno how my dad could go on like this..he is such a good husband. I'm quite frustrated and depressed because i have an academic interview tomorrow and my result will be out soon..and here i have my mama asking me to take care..the rubbish talk she said before!! I love you ma..i couldnt..i cant..lost another person i care so much..not now..not again..it just no way im gonna loose you this soon!

Scare..Fright..Goosebumps..u just name it..

2009-05-15T00:07:00.002+08:00

Ok..i got news bout my upcoming interview for my educator course or Teaching English as Second Language (TESL) . Its next 19th May around Tuesday i think? Furthermore, there could be another event on that same day. My result probably out on that same unfortunate day. If i recall... it is really an unfortunate day...i shouldn't think like that..no i shouldnt!! May guardian of angels protect me. Allah please bless me and give me the courage and preparation...Amin.

( I mustn scared..i must not fright..i must beared the goosebumps..or whatever it is..)

sliced...diced? No , i dont think so!!

2009-05-05T18:03:00.007+08:00

So handsomely tired!!!!!!
Well,i guess it was worth. The glimps oh hopes and cheer from my mama's face just make my day! Hooray! If this continues and really helps her through this...i've never felt glad.
Maybe just maybe i ought to hug her tightly one day (when mama is chubby ..hehe)
and of course say thank you and i love you mama!

oh bout da sliced dices thing..haha..it just da description how i saw first hand how my mama well..er.. sliced? No..but..kind of? However the doctor was expert and i asked mama later that is wasn't hurt at all( ReaLLY??). Well she was being operated to remove unnecessary bad flesh or blood something like that. It just amazed me how the doctor let us see mama being operated first hand!! Maybe he want us to be "insaf"?? He definitely did so..

Deathly Caramel Pudding.

2009-04-30T16:52:00.003+08:00

Ok..i'm here not to write about how delicious this so called Death Caramel Pudding..
I called it that way because it almost "kill" me to make it! Yeah..it does. Lemme tell you how the name is so called.
Firstly, in the making of the caramel..i had burnt my sensitive thumb. F.Y.I, the caramel was 100 celcius that time. So my thumb burn like hell or pain like hell!!! After a while the thumb swell at the region that burnt. Of course due to the swelling i could not work smoothly as the pain beats like hell. However, i determined to finished the making of the pudding. Soon, as i put the kawayi pudding cup into the steamer, i clumsily and carelessly let the kawayi pudding cup fall and break.
( they were glass and before that i had them cleaned thoroughly as i found at the highest level of the kitchen cupboard) (it was really damned dirty and the cup was like " Use us! Clean us! We make ur pudding cute!" Yeah..kinda like that. lol.)
So..what happens when glasses breaks?? They become deadly because it can scrap ur skin..yeah..skin..like my barefoot!! So i had lil scratches on my feet..and it bleeds..and it was nothing..........REALLY?? NO!!
So, i'm waiting my pudding to cool and hopes it taste okay...i hope..huh..
Therefore and hereby i called thee Deathly Caramel Pudding!

Fin.

Ahh...The Reagency..what pleasure could it be?

2009-04-28T22:03:00.003+08:00

The Regency period in the United Kingdom is the era between 1811 and 1820, when King George III was deemed unfit to rule and his son, later George IV, was instated to be his proxy as Prince Regent. The term is often expanded to apply to the years between 1795 and 1837, a time characterised by distinctive fashions, politics, and culture. In this sense, it can be considered a transitional period between "Georgian" and "Victorian" eras. The era was distinctive for its architecture, literature, fashions, and politics. It was a period of excess for the aristocracy. However, it was also an era of uncertainty caused by several factors including the Napoleonic wars, periodic riots, and the concern — threat to some, hope to others — that the British people might imitate the upheavals of the French Revolution.

The term is sometimes used in various ways to include years surrounding the decade of the formal regency. If "Regency" is considered as the transitional between "Georgian" and "Victorian" then it would refer to the entire period from approximately 1811 until the accession of Queen Victoria, encompassing the actual period of Regency, along with George IV's reign in his own right and that of his brother William IV. If "Regency" is contrasted with "Eighteenth century", then it could include the whole period of the Napoleonic wars.

Yes, I very much understand of the meaning of Reagency. Thank you to the wikipedia.

Anyway, my sincere apologies for bringing up these statement as I had a humored with my beloved sister about Regency. I ask her if she had any interested if her life is presently in the era of Regency. Suprisingly she said "Yes, why wouldn't?". I soon was laughing terribly as i couldn't imagine my sister's hair would look like! Of course the style and fashion of the Regency has been adored by the many presently world known fashionista but i just couldn't imagined.However, if its her wish, then it will be. May your wish come true my dear sister.

My Papa..he is an Angel??

2009-04-25T11:57:00.004+08:00

My papa is an Angel??
cant lie bout dat cuz he is..BECAUSE..
yeah yesterday we went out to see a chinese tabib for my mom.
we all wait patiently for our turns..most of the patient there hopes for a cure like my mom.
anyway my dad eagerly to see when is our turn..my dad he is a the busiest person in the world!
yeah cuz he travels a l lot and work late hours..so just to be with us and help mama to go trough all this hardship..he is an angel..he is so patient..he love my mom very much..thankz pa!
after the treatment and all..my papa brought us sight seeing around kuantan..haha..it was funny as he said to my mom.."haa..ni kedai baru bukak...ade Malay town..India town..Chinese town..ha! Tuh ade jual baju!" says Papa. "Tuh jual baju ape?" ask Mama. "Macam2..name Frizzie kedai tuh ha.." says Papa again. "Akak sendiri pun tak pernah lalu kat sini ma..gi ECM je..:) " says me. haha..
At least my mom joins the conversation..dat just show she wanna be with us..i love you mom! i'm with you! we all are!

Cheated Death??

2009-04-22T23:54:00.002+08:00

ouch! dammit! so hurt la..aiyoo..
terjatuh kat tangga td..huhu..mase tuh my head was aiming to the floor but somehow my body reacted its own and save my live..(alhamdulillah)
luckily i only bruised my knee..hopefully i didn't fractured any!
but..but..thats mean.. i cant walk freely like i want to!! NoooOOOooo...
hm..wanna eat icecream to ease this pain..

Tough love!

2009-04-21T23:28:00.003+08:00

So just now ended my happy lovey YM with a person i care so much..(now i've just realized)
But he dont know how i feel for him..
he's a senior and a friend to my bro deni..
oh..n y is it a tough love??
First, he got a lil bro who once i thought i like him.
Second, my so called best friend likes him too..but worst she likes his lil bro too..(complicated, i know..)
I mean..cant my "so called best friend" just stay out of my way??
like for real..cant she like find others??
somehow i felt like she's trying to let da lil bro get jealous or sumthing if she hooks with my senior..
i sacrifice and give way for her n da lil bro..(but da lil bro is a playboy n cheat on her n he breakup wit her)
i've known my senior b4 her..so give me a way..
i want to love too..

Gaga...

2009-04-21T13:00:00.002+08:00

somehow im just loving lady gaga's music!
da song just makes me banging my head and im starting to dance!
poker face..just dance..love game..beautiful,dirty,rich n more. they r da best music ever! you should hear!
here's da link to watch her music vdeos..
http://www.mtvasia.com/Music/FeaturedArtist/LadyGaGa/videos.php?&catid=specials&videoid=333145&mgid=uma

have fun!